You can't tell

Recent news events have brought back some memories.   For this one, I'll relay the memory first, then the news event.

Years ago, I was a programmer at a small college.  This sequence of events happened in the 80's, years after I had graduated and become an experienced, full time professional.  We employed students as programmers, and the best ones were hired to continue full time after they graduated. 

One of these was a young man named Kevin.  He was a sweet person, even tempered, hard working, and good natured.  He had married while still a student, and while he was there he and his wife had 3 sons.  He had pictures of his family all over his cubicle, and seemed totally devoted to all of them.  I worked in the cubicle next to his for years.  We worked on lots of projects together, and I thought I knew him backwards and forwards.  He did any task assigned to him without complaint, and did a great job.  Eventually, he got a higher paying job in a nearby large city, and moved there. 

About 2 or 3 years after he left, I was watching TV on a Sunday afternoon when a news flash interrupted my show.  It seems that our Kevin had shot and killed all 3 of his sons, and then himself.  His soon-to-be-ex wife was spending the weekend with her parents, or she might be dead, also.  It seems that Kevin was afraid that he would not be granted custody of the boys in the divorce, and decided to kill them rather than give up control of them. He called his wife at 6:00 am, told her this, and let her listen to the gunshots over the phone.

I knew his wife a little, but not well.  Later, I was talking to another co-worker who know his wife much better than I did, and found out that the entire time Kevin was being sweet and even tempered at work, he was a totally mean and controlling bastard to her and the boys at home.  She was filing for divorce because of this. 

I was reminded of this due to the man in the news who killed 8 people at a beauty shop.  Friends and neighbors were interviewed and talked about what a great guy he was.  Abusers very frequently put on a good front to those outside the family.  The lesson here---you can't tell. You can't tell what a guy (or girl) is like at home from their behavior outside the home. 

Controlling and abusive behavior has lots of sources.  Frequently, however, it is simply a repeat of the behavior observed from parents during childhood.  This is why I am such a strong supporter of battered women's shelters.  Lots of times, a woman's family will not take her in because they simply don't believe her boy friend / husband is such a bad guy.  By getting the woman out, you also get the kids out, and maybe that will break the chain.  Some church work that I have done has convinced me that spousal abuse is not an occasional thing, but an absolute epidemic.  And yes, it's true that it's sometimes the wife that's the abuser.  Either way, the abused party needs to get out, and get the kids out.  ASAP.